Dealing with school bullying

Read this if: You are a parent and you want to ensure your child’s safety in the first place but also if you realize your social responsibility as an adult and you want to know what you can do to promote a no-bullying attitude

Gain: Valuable advice on steps to take when your child is bullied, tips on how to find out if this is the case and great satisfaction from actively preventing bullying from happening either to your kids or to any other victim

Bullying behavior in schools has been on the rise for a long time. The consequences for the victims vary from strong reluctance to go to school, poor test results, dropping out of school, anxiety, depression, physical illness, to the most severe ones – suicide attempts and turning from victims into bullies and criminals themselves.

The severity of the problem

The tragic news that in a short period of time several students committed suicide drew the attention of celebrities like Tim Gunn, Jessica Simpson and Ellen DeGeneres who spoke out to raise the awareness of the huge problem and the urgent need for measures to be taken.

As the famous TV presenter Ellen DeGeneres appealed to society:

“This needs to be a wake up call to everyone… One life lost in this senseless way is tragic, four lives lost is a crisis. My heart is breaking for their families, for their friends and for our society that continues to let this happen. These kids needed us, and we have an obligation to change this. We can’t let intolerance and ignorance take another kid’s life.”

This article is written for parents who want to protect their child from becoming a victim or a bully: But as socially responsible adults, all people are able to bring about a change by promoting tolerance of diversity with their own attitude and behavior.

The role of society

Bullying doesn’t exist only in schools. In fact, a lot of children react to the aggression they are exposed to directly or indirectly in their environment (at home, in the street, in movies, etc) with aggression. They are too immature and emotionally ill-equipped to find another way to cope with the fear and anger they feel when either witnessing or being a victim to violence.

● The main way to bring about change is providing a child with the necessary security, respect and good care at home. If you are in an abusive relationship and you have a child, it’s twice as important for you to get out of the bad relationship – for the sake of your own and your child’s safety, health and happiness.

● If you’ve noticed that a child is being abused in their family, inform the police or another institution which is in charge of children’s rights. Don’t let your passiveness ruin a child’s life and other people’s lives if the victim becomes a bully or a criminal later.

● Famous people have the opportunity and responsibility to influence culture, attitudes and the focus of society. They are role models and idols of children and teens. If they raise their voices against bullying, discrimination, rude and superficial behavior and turn kindness and respectful attitude into a permanent “fashion”, the chances are that bullying will decrease substantially.

Many of them were also victims of bullying at school. The list includes Kate Winslet, Emma Watson, Sandra Bullock, Tom Cruise, Miley Cyros.

Miley Cyros talks about the hell she was going through at school:

“The girls took it beyond normal bullying. These were big, tough girls [known as] the Anti-Miley Club. I was scrawny and short. They were fully capable of doing me bodily harm.” She was shoved into a bathroom, during class and locked inside on one occasion. She says: “I spent what felt like an hour in there, waiting for someone to rescue me, wondering how my life had gotten so messed up.”

How you can be proactive

● Adopt an anti-tabloid attitude. The distorted, malicious gossip and rumors are one of the most obvious ways society turns itself into a bully by having unhealthy interest in the most personal matters of its celebrity members (yes grown men are paid to make photos of celebrity underpants). The choice of whether to stimulate the existence of tabloid newspapers and TV programs is yours.

● Be open-minded and mature in your attitude towards people from different origin, social status, relationship status, appearance. Show respect for diversity as your personal example is the best educational method in bringing up your children and interacting with other children.

● Observe that the types of movies, Internet sites and games your child is exposed to are suitable for their age. You decide what notion of the world your children will get from these sources.

● Encourage your children to tell you if they’ve witnessed a bullying scene so that you can take an action and talk with the teacher.

It’s important for your children to learn to feel empathy, be socially responsible and take part in preventing this from happening again by supporting the victim and informing you or their teacher about the bullying.

What to do if your child is bullied

● Speak with the teacher as soon as possible. You may also need to speak with the Principal. Discuss with the teachers and Principal how to make sure that the bully doesn’t find out who was the source of the information.

Ask the teacher/Principal what plan the school will implement to stop this behavior.

Some schools have decided to also punish bystanders of bullying if they provide the bully with an audience and they don’t inform the teachers that such thing has occurred. This measure aims to create a no-bullying environment in schools.

A good prevention measure is to get information about whether the school has successful strategies for coping with such a problem before enrolling your child in this particular school.

● Ensure you keep yourself informed regarding how the plan is going and monitor the impact of this on your child.

● If the school’s plan does not appear to have stopped the bullying, continue to speak with the teacher/Principal.

● If there is a physical danger to your child, inform the police too. Provide your child with someone to accompany them on their way from school until the situation is completely resolved.

Role play or rehearse with your child strategies how to behave when he/she comes across the bully.

Tell your child that utter ignorance to verbal bullying is better than reacting to the bully’s provocations as seeing the reaction of fear or anger in their victim is often the main aim of the bully.

One of my acquaintances told me that her child was being insulted often by a bully in kindergarten. Unfortunately, she decided to deal with the problem by telling her son to insult the other child back. She didn’t understand that this would worsen the situation as violence begets violence. Plus, teaching your child that the only way to be assertive is by using the bully’s methods against them is very likely to turn the victim into a bully.

To help your child, equip him/her with healthier ways to stand up for themselves. You can find valuable advice on the subject in books like “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman.

● A good defensive and preventive measure is to sign your child up for martial arts so they will feel much more confident at school and less likely to become a victim as bullies usually choose shy and less secure children for their targets.

A very convincing example of the benefits a martial art can have on solving a bullying problem is the case with Martin Hendricks, the Denver 12-year-old who was bullied for so long that his grades dropped and he hated going to school. Experts say over 150,000 kids miss school every day because they’re afraid of being bullied.

Martin’s mother Wendy finally sent him to a summer program in Brazilian jiu-jitsu designed specifically for bullied kids at the Gracie Academy in California. Jiu-jitsu is a relatively non-violent but extremely effective form of self-defense. The focus is eliminating fear of injury through technique and preparation which gives kids the confidence to stand up to bullies first verbally, and then, if that doesn’t work, physically.

When Martin returned to school, the bigger and stronger bully punched him, then Martin used his new skills to pin the bully on the floor without even hurting him. This put an end for good to the physical attacks. Moreover, the bully had to apologize to Martin in front of the whole school which was a life-changing moment for both of them – the bully and the previous victim.

● Be aware of the relatively new type of bullying – cyber bullying. Unfortunately, many young people say that they wouldn’t report cyber bullying because most adults don’t know that they have a cyber life and if they report, then the technology will be taken away from them.

Talk with your child about the technologies they use and the ethics that need to be observed in virtual relations. In case of threats and harassment, report this to your Internet Service Provider or the local police.

If the bullying is done through the phone, inform the phone service provider or change the number.

How to find out if your child is bullied

Many children hide this problem as they believe the threats of the bully that if they inform a teacher or a parent, they will suffer even more bullying. Another reason for not trying to search for help is the shame that they were chosen as a victim in the first place. This often undermines their self-esteem further.

* The best solution and prevention parents can ensure is treating their child not just from the position of the authority but mostly as the closest friend the child can have and rely on. This special relationship should be built from the an early age but even if you feel you’ve made some parenting mistakes and the trust between you and the child is lacking, learn how to change your attitude. Highly recommended sources of advice are the following books: “How to Talk so Kids will Listen&Listen so Kids will Talk” and “How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so They will Talk“.

I’ve recently lent a friend of mine the first book and she said it was so useful, she would buy it for herself.

* Pay attention to any changes in the mood and behavior of your child as well as their performance at school.

* Talk with the teachers on a regular basis to see what their observations are.

What to do if your child is the bully

Don’t panic or take your anger and shame out on your child. In such cases the best strategy is to attend family therapy to find the roots of the problem.

You’ll always be grateful to yourself for the active position you took and the maturity of your decision to solve the issue relying on professional help instead of avoiding, underestimating the problem or dealing with it just scratching the surface.

Recommended books:

Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ